his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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