Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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