i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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