I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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