It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
