My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
