y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
