I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize