This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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