Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
