I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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