Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
