from now on my penis is your penis
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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