I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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