New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
