I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
