he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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