captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I still have a little drunk in my system
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
