oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize
