I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
