Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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