Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
