i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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