my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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