I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Do you have feelings for this penis?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
