I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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