Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
