She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
