I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
