you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
