she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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