i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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