when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
