remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
