Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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