the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
