My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
