And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
