This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
