Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did I show you my penis last night?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
