You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
