I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
