Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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