I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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