The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
