my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
