please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
