I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
