I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
