First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
