I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize