peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
