So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize