marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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