at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
