That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
