All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
