i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Randomize
