Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
