Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
